Labels: He cannot not be
Labels: gun anyone
Labels: i m not emo
Labels: sympathy no thanks
Labels: i get it/ i dun like it
Labels: TJC TT TEAM 2007
Labels: i need colours in my life
Labels: strength
Labels: he cares
Labels: dark side
Labels: outcasted
your name
wrote at ;; 12:17 AM
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
all 3am or 4am.. so today i literally pulled myself out of bed.. to reach school for lect at 9am..
prob bcuz of my course, reli learn to rather be early and wait instead of late.. so i reached at 830am.. as i mentioned i was vv tired + noone was dere + i was havin a headache, i went to find a bench to slp..
at ard 845.. i saw jia en,wan ning.. so i went over to join dem.. at 9am, mei chin came and said..
"today no lessons leh"
i totally sian... bcuz i am vv tired + i was havin a headache + alot of my classmates knew and dint come.. i vv sian.. den me, janice, kai xuan and JJ went to tamp int macs for breakfast.. (: chat abt alot of stuff, from wines to beer to girls to guys to relationships etc.. (:
DEN WE LITERALLY DRAGGED OURSELVES BACK TO SCHOOL FOR ECONS TUT
i promise if it wasnt a tutorial i wouldn go bac.. lol..
tut was borin as usual.. so we decided to have some fun. ok maybe not we. it was me. i took a piece of paper, cut and made it a frame.. den i tried the mona lisa smile thingy... tt means i am mona lisa and put my head in the hole.. haha.. it was reli exciting la! bcuz we cnot let e tutor see.. haha so we kept perfecting the shots.. :P den kept laughin.. haha.. best thing is tutor totally didnt noe wad were we laughin..
mental note: cass u beta keep ur naughty side in check!
and ok i have to say this.. i reli miss mr koh.. my ex econs tutor..reli didnt think i would,but reli i do.. hehe..
so aft sch i had proj discussion, before gg to meet rachel.. we had a great time chatting and all.. haha. and she watched me do my last mani and pedi *cross fingers*
reli had a great time chit chattin, and watchin her do stuff for me.. *thanks!! (:* she made a keychain kinda thing for me at the dnt room, and on my wallet, she helped draw stuff.. haha.. post pic some other time la.. :D lazy.. hehe
den i met lemon for short dinner before rushing home bcuz my bro is sick..
now bloggin and watchin tv.. but act, it is time for the mugging season!! :S
thoughts..
8th october 2006
'tml..i will go to service.. and seek from Him a faithful and trusting heart.. Lord.. teach me.. that in whatever i do.. You are always with me.. in what ever i do.. You never forsake me.."
28th October 2006
"i jus told him(chin han ge) everything including my doubts of GOD.. and my weariness and all.."
9th Nov 2006
"bcuz aft all its He who sees hu i am.."
12th Nov 2006
"thank you Lord for planning my life for me. and putting these pple who reli care for m to minister into my life.. Lord u noe at times i will doubt u.. u noe sometimes i will be very frustrsated at You.. but.. i noe You still love me.. and i noe You will still hold me tightly and constantly remind me how much You actually love me and how You will never give me up. at this time when i reli need strength to face all the.. neg feelings and all.. Lord walk with me.. Lord cary me.. Thank you Lord"
13th Nov 2006
" i am your daught er nevertheless.. so i will be home... i will come home.. with your grace and mercy upon me, YOU WILL CARRY ME HOME..."
20th Nov 2006
"i jus need some time.. with Lord and myself.. i still have doubts and questions to ask Him.. but since i noe He loves me nevertheless, He will walk with me throughout this period of doubt.."
there r many many more.. these are the posts i found when i was jus randomly browsing thru archives. i chose the posts dated oct and nov 2006. many shd noe tt this was a tough period for me.. real tough. but the faith i displayed.. i am amazed..
dun ask me where did all the faith go to.
where did my alr mustard sized faith go to.. bcuz i want to noe too
now,all tts in my mind:
studentcampexamsstudentcampexamsstudentcampexams
they all fall on the same wk thankyou vv much..
and i m not prepared for any.. tts e worst part..
i need to get my priorities right.
i need to get my life rightyour name
wrote at ;; 10:25 PM
Sunday, May 27, 2007
many things happened.
--> went for service.aft service managed to talk to******* ** abit abt the tornado but misunderstood him
--> asked ***** to pray for me but resulted in her joinin in the tornado of prob
--> went to meet to do proj
--> had a quite enthu discussion with ryan and janice abt religion
--> met ******** *** to talk abt the tornado
--> cleared the tornado, but left loss at the mess
--> totally regretted starting the tornado in the first place
i'm not gg to get all emo-y on this post. jus put it this way. everything jus gotta stop now. NOW!
and oh.. if anyone has a gun, pls tell me? the best is with 2 bullets. 1 to shoot janice (haha bcuz i wanna kill u for saying i am in love with an anonymous married man tt u made up!! :P) and 1 to shoot myselfwish i thought carefully before sayin everythinwish i thought carefully before tkin up tt post tt timewish i never ever thought tellin someone abt tt was a right thing to do
i wan tt jacket so badly!! tts random.. -_-your name
wrote at ;; 11:10 PM
today i talked to marg jie. shant go into details but reli.. sorry marg jie..
something sparked me..maybe i m not feelin tt badmaybe i jus think i m not ok but act nth is mkin me nt okmaybe i shd jus snap out of it and be strongmaybe i shd jus get a lifemaybe i shd jus search for cassandra againmaybe i shd stay strong againmaybe i shd ask myself what the hell have i been emo-ing abtmaybe i shd ask myself what's so wrong abt my life!maybe i shd jus wk up from this dream
my my.. how long have i been deluding myself.. i am ok. reli i am! nth is mkin me upset! i m still the normal me. and hw shd i convince ppl ard me???
i wanted to share.. but i didnt..sorrymaybe i shoud re think my xsy servicemaybe i shd reli slap myself for makin so many pple worrymaybe i dun reli know who the real cassandra is alreadyyour name
wrote at ;; 12:37 AM
Friday, May 25, 2007
got my ipod.. it was reli a last min thing. saw e offer. and bought it. thinkin back on e reason y i never wanted to change my tt infamous lousy mp3 with bits and pieces fallin apart..i realised how much one can change.----start of the mp3 story----17th March 2005
the birth of my mp3. went with someone special to me. bought it.
18th March 2005
got tog with the special someone
from tt day on, i tot i would never change my mp3. but ppl do change after all. i will never throw away the mp3. it will be kept..----end of the mp3 story----
school's gettin on a faster pace now. reli a rather fast one. jus had 3 tests. got back 1. passed unexpectedly. now projects are comin up, and life's gettin busy-er.. friends are gettin closer.. hor janice tan ( i mentioned ur name le!) appreciate the friends tt i have in school.. they make life seems all nt that bad. haha.. hor janice tan (2nd time k)
today durin break we were talkin abt piercing and tattos.. and it continued till IHT. almost went to do a 2nd piercing.. only didnt cuz it was too exp ( i wan do at a safe place, and it cost 22.80!) we talked abt tattos on our backs.. and oh my it sounded so convincingly beautiful. and kai xuan talked abt tatto on the ankle i think.. hmm.. lol.. amanda wants a belly ring.. and JANICE TAN (3rd time!) wants a ring on he soft bone at her ear. haha.. wads with my clique.. all into poking needles into ourselves.
talked to chinhan ge yest. stated my stand. feel tt wad i said abt myself aint wrong. i noe myself. 1mth.. 1 mth more and i'd prob go. go with my faith or not.. tts e qns. as a cgl and a discipler, i always tell my girls... Satan is ready to engulf us. we gotta have ultimate faith in only One and the One.. Christ our Lord. when i was talkin to chinhan ge.. i could see where he was coming from, basically bcuz i too stand at where he's standin to talk to my girls. but i tried to let him understand (jus like how i had to tk a hard time to convince myself) abt one who believes and has faith but sin vs one who dun believe and have no faith and sin. there's a diff.. and when the latter happens, it aint tt ez anymore. reli appreciate talkin to him.. i will prob talk more to him.
wed my cgl left for East Asia. was supposed to go as a cell to send her off... but decided against it in e end,with fear of awkwardness.. went for trng in e end. had a nice time talkin to son again. somehow she understands too.. haha somehow.. she must have robbed my genes or smth b4.. so she understands so well.. let's beat ________ tog k!! BY THE END OF THIS YR!-------------------------i dun like pple's pity. e more u pity, e more i rebel. tts me. i dun need ur care thank you. your name
wrote at ;; 1:00 AM
Sunday, May 20, 2007
had a relatively bad day.. prob partly due to the fever..
a) i called cab.. in e end we waited for close to half an hour for the cab we called -_- and had to pay still
b) i was late for service due to the above
c) i didnt reli catch the main point for sermon
d) i sat alone in between cell and service and felt so out of place
e) wanted to study durin 1st hr of cell=games, cus test comin but was not allowed to
f) ppl complained abt the steamboat tt i prepared
g) ppl complained abt the steamboat tt i prepared X2
h) the steamboat caught fire
i) came home with my mom nagging at me
yea.. tt was all in a day.. sounds rubbishy?
but oso have stuff to thank God for..
a) had a nice time talkin to marcus
b) managed to talk to my 2 darlings after everything
c) managed to talk abit to lobbie and jing jing, and got to know some stuff tt happened in their life so can pray for them
d) saw sherilyn today aft vv long (:
e) bought the stuff i wan to buy alr
hmm.. the prob is reli getting more serious. i guess it is when ppl are aware of the prob, tts when e prob is big. so... action has to be taken.. and the onli action i can think of is to ___. managed to talk to dem to get a peace in my heart tt they r fine. got a confirm with her tt she is ___too. now wads left is.. when?
tmr i am gg to play zhu sheng bei.. (all saints cup) not with the youths though.. ( like i would ever be playin with them. lol.. it seems like i have more affinity with either younger or older peep. playin for qing nian qu.. onli girl.. so gonna be on court all e way.. ankle jiayou!)
to sherilyn: gal u owe me explanation!! :P tk care la.. (: meet up to chat soon!! :D and is next sat set?? haha i play with u la!
to lobbie: pls tk care and keep tt bubbly spirit! can infect ppl ard u too! (:
to malcom: i can meet u on friday night.. i am free le (: sorry ah keep tuo-ing.
to allen: ok u wun read this but hope u reli get into NIE.. dun bully me anymore la! :P
ankles: master i won't disappoint u
me: i trust u guys!
ok tt was dumb-_-
oh lord i feel far. from you. from anything/anyone related to you. i dunwan to go back to the sec1 me o lord. its coming back. would u take it away before it ever comes.
things i need to conquer if it comes:
a) vulgarities?
b) anti social?
c) keepin to myself
d) rebellious
e) self abuseyour name
wrote at ;; 1:44 AM
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
i see the way they feel they let down their team.. i see the way they try their best to gel the team together..
dats when i realised, wad a lousy captain i have been..
dats when i realised.. how much i miss tjc..
*miss being the captain of the table tennis team with dang shi..
*miss setting goals tog..
*miss trng tog..
*miss the dinners tog..
*miss the chang jiao ppl
*miss the hua mian ppl
*miss being the one who talks the most during training
*miss how coach will always dare to tease me about I**** bcuz he isnt there
*miss how we play friendly competitions
*miss how we had that tiring camp, but enjoy ourselves so much
*miss lazily doing pt tog
*miss pep talking the team(with last min draft)
*miss cheering with the team
*miss them suaning me abt guys -_-
so many more miss-es..
coach said today
" u dun look very happy. last time in tj u are the one who is the noisiest, bringing the team spirit up. now u are so quiet.. u dun look happy"
and he walked away..
halfway playing, he said i wasnt trng prop..not like b4..
and he walked away..
he is disappointed. i noe.
i dun wan to disappoint my coach.. i want to prove.. that i have not lost my passion for table tennis..
tmr i will go back.. and i will be the cass again! i will play the table tennis i love with the ppl i love with the coach i love with the place i love.. and i will proudly say:
i haven lost my passion for table tennis at all
coach:
ok u will never read this.. but anw.. jiao lian.. wo mei you bu xi huan ping pang.. wo mei you men men bu le.. wo mei you xiang hen duo dong xi.. wo bu hui gu fu ni de.. wo hui yong xin lian, yong gong da.. xie xie ni ti xing wo, yuan lai wo hai zhe me ai ping pang..
tjctt07:
I RELI RELI MISS U GUYS!! T_T(dangshi taught me tt this sign means "crying" :D)
playing the game right.your name
wrote at ;; 11:46 PM
Monday, May 14, 2007
I BOUGHT A BOUQUET OF FLOWERS FOR MOM.. A DOZEN FLOWERS IN THEM// TO PICK HER UP FROM THE AIRPORT.. SHALL POST E PHOTO SOME OTHER TIME..
MUMMY I LOVE U!
:D
i'm home! (:
i got confirmed!(:
:(
told the news to some ppl..
okok i noe nth is confirmed..
cass u are just being paranoid!
ME
a) i dun like to be forced to do anythin
b) i dun like always having to take e initiative ( i mean who doesnt get tired?)
she1 says i need to learn to share.. she2 says i need to tk e initiative.
ROAR! i wanna retreat back into a life tt onli consists of e pple tt i choose.. and man i sure promise to choose dem right..
okok but i know God wants us to LOVE everybody, just like He love us.. it was jus a random thought..
i'll always remember i thought this thought.
i'm feeling grouchy.. so i can bite! BEWARE pple BEWARE!your name
wrote at ;; 12:15 AM
Saturday, May 12, 2007
it's weird how sometimes you just seem to want to do so much, but there just isnt enough time..
it's weird how in e day u feel tt u r strong, but at night, e strength seems gone..
it's weird how some things just come as they like, and go as they like..
it's weird how you just feel like talkin to some pple, but these ppl dun seem to be e right ppl u shd go to..
it's weird how we try so hard when we dont even belong here permanently anyway...
life's weird.. and unpredictableyour name
wrote at ;; 1:51 AM
Monday, May 07, 2007
i am sick!
nice one la.. didnt eat anything yest.. den today onli drank some soup from porridge and tried to eat some lunch *but failed since everythin came out as i expected* now my stomach cramps in every... like 10min.... -_-
sunday
went for service.. and for the first time, i read 13 verses in front of the whole church.. IN CHINESE.. was like shivering when i was on my way up.. and when i was up there.. my voice was like quivering.. attn to 1H02 ppl " I READ IT IN CHINESE OK!!" special attn to jan and Ron " IN CHINESE!" lol.. ok.. i wrote like alot of han yu ping ying on the bible.. and managed to read the 13verses.. ppl said it was not bad, except tt i went too fast.. hehe.. too nervous..
had paba meeting aft tt.. erm nth to tok abt tt..
met lobbie to study.. we got ps by marcus and jing jing.. :( but it was a good time of like.. chatting and all.. haha.. did i say study.. ok she did study la.. i studied abit.. but rested cux i wasnt feelin well. our momentum was vv good until we got told tt no studyin was allowed.. and tt broke our momentum.. yepp.. chit chatted.. and shared abt alot of stuff.. reli enjoyed the chatting session.. (: aft tt.. packed up to meet master..
went to some vv beautiful place.. like reli gorgeous.. so un-singapore-ish.. so peaceful.. like totally away from the hustle and bustle.. saw sun set.. my..... its like e first time i ever seen sun set.. hen mei.... sun sets vv vv fast.. like u reli see it gg down down down.. and den its gone.. wads left was the beautiful pink skies.. and slowly... the sky turned dark..
had a great time of sharing with him.. thanks for always being there.. (: thanks for understanding when no one does. thanks for lettin me show the real me. thanks for tt __, needed it... jus to noe.. i am not alone. thanks master
went to see planes too!! wow!! hee.. if onli i were inside instead.. hmmz..
monday
which is today... sick.. yepp tts it..
its good to know that there are still ppl out there hu cares
prayer:
-my sec1 cell pple who having exams
-my disciples who are having exams
-mr wilson's things to do after he leaves TJCyour name
wrote at ;; 9:09 PM
Friday, May 04, 2007
we all have choices we all can choose and i chose to wear those masks specific masks for specific occasions i grew comfortable in them and now i cant take them off but then a spark ignited in me i am not tkin them out but i am jumping to the dark side afterall, i can still escape from the dark side jus like spiderman did so now i jump and here i am on the dark side it is after all a choice and i made it ....... hopefully when i jump back, i will be stronger.. i will ba able to forgive like spiderman did.. i will be able to build friendships again.. i will understand myself better.. hopefully i can jump back like spiderman did.. wait.. did i say he is spiderman the superhero and i am like cassandra the human?your name
wrote at ;; 11:19 PM
Thursday, May 03, 2007
well school aside. school has been great.. lessons are interesting, though abit hard to grasp.. friends are sweet, and everyday, i seem to be connecting with 1 new person.. enjoy class, enjoy sch..
table tennis has been.. argh i dun even wanna type out. its reli a case of passion vs pride and tolerance.. and sad to say, the tolerane + pride is soon gg to override the passion, that was burning so strongly even after i left TJ. today told some peep tt i wanna quit. it'd be a letdown. letdown to coach.. prob my only concern (apart from myself)..
church act went on a right track alr.. compared to last yr when me and __ and ___ will jus sit down and talk abt stuff and get determined to do so... this yr __ told me again tt she is considering, and for me, i was sure NO. i felt i was on e right track, and everything's gg fine.. but incidents happen, and ___ u r right.. nth has changed. disappointed.. reli i m. went night cycling a few days ago. enjoyed myself.. I literally mean enjoyed MYSELF. yea.. ok shall go into detail of e nite cycle.
signed up w/o even checkin hu was gg. realised tt son's not gg.. cell onli shuling and wei xuan. sec2 gals onli qi xi and germaine. but den since i love cycling, decided to jus go for it. the trip was ECP to sentosa. gathered at ECP.. below are jus brief summation of events tt happened..a) got into groupsb) started cycling c) cycled in groupsd) ppl too fast, qixi couldn catch up so i slow downe) smth happened, so me and qi xi became infrontf) reached sentosa with qixig) return journey, waited for qixih) qixi had to go infront cuz pple kept askin her toi) i cycled behind myseldj) saw e whole group of themk) i was transparentl) decided to lag behind so can enjoy scenery and watch yi xingm) fell down(not main point)n) reached back ECP with yi xingo) ppl dispersed from meetin pointp) looked ard.realised i am onli with the older peep cux qixi went off with momq) wondered and searched for them r) oh they are infront alrs) tried to catch up but injured so forget itt) saw them at a table,but no more spaceu) sat with the sinyee and yirongv) ppl asked y i not with my cliquew) i asked who's my cliquex) person walks awayy) realised his point of viewz) realised wad ___ meanz+1) i didnt tk a SINGLE PIC in all e pic they took..sad thing they includes ** didnt think itd be like ttI HAVE ENOUGH OF BEING OUTCASTED! dun like to hide on blog.. blatantly speakin, i dun wan and like to put myself in a situation whereby i am at a risk of being outcasted. table tennis and church likewise. ok maybe i am being emo..maybe i am being rash.. bleah i dun care. if my friends ( i mean real friends= 2H03 plus son plus 26/07 plus some others) know, i show my displeasure in ppl's face. it may be a flaw but i dun hide. i have nEver NEVER in my life experienced being TOTAALLY outcasted.. never.. and my friend said : welcome to the real world. and zhixuan, my ans stays e same.. but thanks gal.ok things are bad.. but nt tt bad.. as i said, i still enjoyed my night cycling.. i still LOVE sch.. with ppl like amanda, kai xuan, scuba diver and all e rest.. (: who says i need ****** and ****..ok maybe i need table tennis.. but bleah! wadeva..special thanks:amanda, kai xuan janice ( for jus being with me in sch)brandon and guorong ( for accompanyin me during training)huan liang, lemon, aloy, jun kang, qi xi, germaine ( for accompanying me during night cycling)this is an emo post............. did i mention i cant and wun be gg for cell animoreyour name
wrote at ;; 1:06 AM