Cassandra Loh

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Hey son thanks a lot man.. u made me cry in tjc’s hub la.. was reading and was like crying.. hmmm…. No la it is not your fault man.. I mean one person sad enuf le no need e whole grp of friends sad tog ma.=) I promise u I will get over soon de… I will…

Aniwae.. ok I got sum stuff to update la.. first… there’s this guy in tjc la.. in my class.. called Dwight.. act when I first came I found him vv nice.. as in normal la.. same as others ma.. den pple started to ask me to stay away from him.. so I was like why and didn’t care lo.. den I realized why they ask me to stay away la.. bcuz he is abit gayish.. as in he will drop his wrist when talking.. ya.. den he likes to like un-intentionally touch ppple when talking la.. and tt irritates pple.. including me lo.. so there was dis wk whereby I reli avoided him jus like al my friends la.. and I must admit tt thereason of avoiding him is partially bcuz my friends avoids him too.. den this bomb came to me.. I and him are GP BUDDIES.. u noe wad tt means? Means I have to sit with him for all GP lessons.. and for the term I have to discuss with him all my work and all.. everyone were like wishing me good luck and all la.. den I felt like “oh my God! Why are u doing this to me!!” den today… my friends.. 9 so called friends la.) they went for chem. Ma.. den I also went.. den they sat.. and seats were jus nice until I dun haf seat.. I wwas like quite bu shuang la.. somemoe we were supposed to be close friends kind of thing la.. so I vv bu shuang sat beside Dwight ( e onli seat left.. he always has empty seats beside him bcuz no one wants to sit with him) den I started to talk to him.. den I suddenly felt like I HAD to ask him some burning Q..
Cass: y do u always sit alone?
Dwight: bcuz no one wants to sit with me?
Cass: err.. how do u feel having to sit alone always?
Dwight: at first I feel angry.. den sad.. den neutral den I dun give a damn
Cass: do u know the reason whereby they dun wan sit with u
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he did not reply me… at tt instance.. I felt so…. Guilty and disgusting… how disgusting I am!! I conformed to wordly standards.. and like my friend.. I avoid this lonely soul.. this guy hu is alw feeling lonely.. but no one cares.. ask urself.. if u were him.. how wud u feel?? I reli feel terrible la.. den I realise… maybe God wants me to do smth by putting me and Dwight as buddies… duno la.. i reli muz accept him.. which also reminds me of a show.. err.. dun reli rem the name. tt mandy moore show.. the one whereby everyone calls her holy and all.. and everyone avoids her.. but this guy accepted her.. ya.. ( which coinciudentally I watched with Isaac..) ok.. ya.. so I will accept him.. and thru me I will show him that there is love and tt HIS father loves him!

Next… as I said,, I m numb.. but isn’t numb good? Pple ard me ask me to face it… why put myself in pain.. numb and happy.. until one dae when the feelings fade away lo… I m not tryin to show tt I m faithful or wad.. bcuz I reli wan to get over… ya..

I reli cant fit into tjc lo.. I realized.. act rite.. I am extroverted and all so I shdn face this prob.. but… I am now.. jus like I said jus now durin chem… and other stuff la.. as in my class pple alr haf their cliques lo.. so not so easy to jus fit nicely.. ya.. more and more I dun like tjc.. but I jus need to survive thru the 2yrs and it’s over.. luckily got so many ahs pple.. so walk where also can see friends. Act I dun like lidat de.. I dun like all ahs pple.. vv sianz ma.. but den I am appreciating it now.. haha environment reli changes a person.. cant reli catch up with chem. Still.. maths still ok.. econs ok… geog.. ok.. ya.. 4 subj onli ma…

So tts the end for today ba…. Tk care guys!

your name wrote at ;; 11:21 AM

Friday, March 24, 2006

now in tjc's hub writing this post.. quite long le wor..=) long tym no see.. oh hey lemon thx for tt.. =) hope u r gg onn fine too.. =)

school is getting stress man.. it's like i not here in first 3 mths ma.. so my maths lagging by 7 tutorials la.. den chem and all.. WA... only thing tt seems ok is chi and econs and maybe geog.. chem n maths r like BLUR to me.... but i will try to catch up la. anw i h af nth else tto keep me distracted rite? yea... so jus work work weork?

was a little.. ok so quite affected by the leadership camp thingy.. it is like all e j1s got except me and samuel.. hu is like injured.. hello? obviously she doubts my capability.. maybe i m now looking at things in a vv negative side... as in looking at everything in a negative pt of view... ya but i was like super affected.. den i msg YH lo.. den he was like saein i dun need ppl to affirm me etc.. thansks man... u oways noe wad to sae! =) but ya.. thinking back.. it wud be a waste of tym since i ve been to many le.. den my cher said today tt the camp is for those hu haf not got enuf exp in leading.. so ok.. maybe im jus too good.. diao.... (do u trust tt i think tt way when i said i look at things in a neg pt of view?) ok sorry...

err.. abt him. i m numb.. reli.. act i m numb to everything le.. i noe how to laugh and i noe how to smile. i noe when to make ppple laugh and i noe how to carry myself..=) aren't i good? i got a vv tired feeling.. reli tired.... but well... i haf to go on... i noe i m gg to lose it soon.. but i need to jus hang in dere.. it is oso gd la dat i m numb.. i dun feel e pain....

Choose cell splitting le.. guess GoD noes tt i cant tk it le.. maybe HE thinks i m incompetent too... i dunno la.. sae tt i need alot of affirmation.. sae i need alot of praise.. sae i cant work with these affirmation and responsibilites.. BUT THAT IS HOW I AM!

today did a personality test (again?!) ya my character is kinda confirmed aft the many many tests.. and probably these characters r mking me lose all my composures when things happoen.. tt nite during retreat... this is wad happened..

at nite 17/3 : during the sharing.. i was super restless.. i keep felt like i gg to cry.. den grace msg me abt a door copened thingy. and i cried a little.. son sae dun cry.. not a gd idea to cry den.. managed to stop and FAKE a smile..

17/3 12am : i culdn tk it.. in the tent me sherily son and one of my p6 shared.. i cried... vv badly.. for an hour plus? cried without bein able to hide... everyone was at a lost.. but i culdn care abt dem le.. i noe i shdn cry so tt they wun feel at lost.. but i m too tired to hold my tears.. i cried...... i msged him but no reply

18/3 : no mood to do anything. easily irritated.... tt marked the start of my numbness....................................

* i've become so numb.. wad is pain? wad is laughter? everythin CAN BE FAKED..... i m FAKE....... im dropping dwn........

your name wrote at ;; 3:22 PM

Sunday, March 12, 2006

jus a post to reli express myself once more.. i miss u i miss u i miss u i miss u.. it is like jus minutes since i entered my first post.. but i reli miss u lo. u noe.. i made myself promise not to go ur blog.. and yes i haf not gone for quite long le.. but dis on;li make me miss u more.. i told myself not to even sms u or look for u or anything.. yes i haf.. i terll u.. i did all of the above le.. but i still failed to do the most basic thing.. that is to forget u.. =( every morrning i will wake up with u facing me.. sounds weird? ok basically u rem e board u did for my bdae? ya it is right in the centre of my room.. den u rem the photo we took in FOP last yr.. it is dere too.. =) so... i see u everyday.. but.. so near yet so far.. i wonder how r u now> how's ur hand? r u injured again? how's ur spiriual life? have u been slping late? haf u been eating su[pper? haf yu been hafin enuf rest? haf u been exercising too much? haf u been thinkin too much? haf u... haf u.. haf u.. been thinking of me? nah i noe the ans.. it is jus a joke.. HAHAHA.....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAAHA.. I AM SUCH A JOKE

your name wrote at ;; 6:38 PM

hey!! to start of.. ok guys.. i am in TJC.. dun haf to feel too happy for me as yet la.. bcuz i m not reli sure of how i m feelin lo.. it is like so stressful over dere and i dun wish to get retained or kicked out of school lo.. and moreover.. i like sort of let 2 of my friends down by gg dere la.. one is HIM and one is him.. ok we wil tok abt him first la. it is like i also duno y la but he seems kinda upset tt i got into tjc.. i think he thinks that i dun deserve it or smth bcuz i last tym sae wan to go poly ma.. but i changed my mind like so long ago lo.. and u act gave me ur blessings b4 ma.. as in u didnt disapprove until i got in and u didnt.. do u noe i cherish u as a friend den u like that.. den to HIM... reli sorry la. i noe we were to stay in TPJC tog.. but my ma dun let me transfer.. i m not bein sacarstic or anyting.. but i reli reli miss tpjc.. i m serious.... ok.. anyway.. DUH

counting down to the 18th march le.. didnt think it was so hard to get over lo.. as in.. ya i keep setting datelines for myself and all.. but it will stil cum back to this lo.. i still miss him lo... k i tell u guys my next dateline is 18th march.. but how many of u will believe that i can get over aft that? well i wun blame u guys if u dun believe.. bcuz i dun even believe myself la... ya.. 18th march marks one yr.. wad a joke.. wad an irony.. one yr.. 3 mths we were tog... 9 mths we were apart.... out of these 9 mths.. ard 2 mths.. he wanted me back.. but i didnt want to.. why?? bcuz i am stubborn.. bcua i am a fool.. bcuz i dun noe wad i m thinking... and the rest of the 7 mths.. i want him back but he doesnt want me.. why?? bcuz he thinks i m a fool.. bcuz he thinks it is reli over.. bcuz... HE DOEN NOT LIKE ME ANY MORE... HAHA... =)=)=)

reading the messages that he sent me last tym( yes i haf not deleted) im sorry i cant let go of u jus as well as u let go of me.. i noe i asked for it.. i noe everythingis my fault and noone else's fault....but u haf no idea how much i miss u.. u haf no idea how much i reli m thinking of u everyday. i ask myself.. WHY IS IT SO HARD!!!!!!! u all were like tog only for 3 mths.. can u stoop makin it sound like u all haf been tog for decades?! i know!!! i too want to let go.. bcuz on;li when i reli reli let go den will i and u finally ends dis torture.... but,.. i dun wan dis to end.. i reli miss u.. i reli want to tell u tt if given another chance.. i wun haf let u go so easily.. if given another chance, i wuld have given u the absolute faith that u onli llike me.. if i were given another chance, i wuld haf had more confidence in myyself. if given another chance.. i wuld cherish u more and cherish the tyms tog... IF IF IF IF IF.... even the prisoners are given the yellow ribbon.. why cant i haf tt yellow ribbon?!

o well.... o well.. ok.. i m jus in a down mood ba.. i can get back to me and my smiley me.. soon.. jus gimme sum tym to face my real self pls... gimme sum tym...

do u noe how much i miss u?

your name wrote at ;; 5:57 PM